she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
