Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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