she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
