My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
