he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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