is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
