life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
