What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
