So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
