Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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