I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
