We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
