i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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