I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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