Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
