U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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