any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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