Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
