I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize