So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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