Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
