She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
