I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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