Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
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He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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