conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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