please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
