If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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