Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
