I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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