I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
