If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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