woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
