just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We talked him into tasing himself.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
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I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
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Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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