I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
