She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
