so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
