My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
