dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
