i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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