Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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