Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
