his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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