I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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