can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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