My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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