I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
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Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
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My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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