my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
