im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I love how my cats smell like pot.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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