I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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