But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm getting married
To pizza
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
