i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
