sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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