Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
