where am i from again
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
