Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
