I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
