Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it glows. i had to have it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
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