really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
